I had that same issue when I joined the hobby but I quickly learned that I had to get over that. I understand what your trying to acomplish but if you want equal returns on both side of tank to get the flow you need if using just returns for flow with no powerheads is going to be really noisy aand give you other issues
It would serve you better to do a single return dead center of the overflow box a drain on the left and right all enclosed behind overflow then a power head in each corner rodi the tank this would not bother your ocd and give you a quiet system with less plumbing and more effective.
If the plumbing is not splitting off for return you can use a smaller pump to get the same flow less plumbing also